I had a dream that the 6 of us were having dinner at Shabuway on Tuesday night, instead of just the current group of 4 we have now. Nothing else was different. You were there with us, also talking about the daily going ons of your life, also giving your opinions on the upcoming birthday bash, also talking about what your future wedding would be like, also showing your discomfort with the idea of having kids any time soon. We cheers-ed with our sake bombs and you got your infamous Asian glow. We playfully argued over who was the coolest pair of buddies and we reminded everyone that at least you and I had perfected a buddy-walk during pledging, which automatically made us better. No one agreed and someone brings up our issue from 2005, which makes us lose points. We shrug it off and state that that’s a time we’d rather forget than remember so it doesn’t count. It was a vision of what life would be like if you had never left.
“When I am gone, release me, let me go I have so many things to see and do. You mustn’t tie yourselves to me with tears, just be happy that we have had some years. I gave you my love, you can only guess how much you gave to me in happiness. I thank you for the love you each have shown, but now it’s time I traveled on alone. Do grieve a while for me if you must then let your grief be comforted by trust. It’s only for awhile that we must part, so keep our memories within your hearts. I won’t be far away, for life goes on, so if you need me call and I will come. Though you can’t see or touch me I’ll be near, and if you listen with your heart you will hear, all my love around so soft and dear. And then when you must come this way alone, I’ll greet you with a smile and say welcome home.”
See you on the other side, Bud. This weekend was a roller coaster of emotions but I’m glad we were able to finally say a proper good-bye to you, and I’m glad that Alpha Zeta was able to do it together. We will forever be incomplete without you but you will live in our hearts, and in our souls, forever. The love we feel, you will feel; the success we achieve, you will also achieve.
Thank you for teaching me the importance of forgiveness and showing me the strength of unconditional love. Thank you for the late night talks as we stood by our bedroom doors, the never-ending supply of ramen, the bathroom-for-dishes deal, the endless rides to anywhere and everywhere, the clothes that somehow fit me even though you were 8 inches taller. For all the memories that we had, the words that were exchanged, good and even the bad, I will remember forever because those were the moments that shaped our friendship, it is what made us who we are.
I love you, Buddy. Continue to party hard and dance like nobody’s watching.
The feeling in my chest doesn’t get any lighter with each day that passes. And it seems that Mondays are always the worst days. Even after a full 7 hours of sleep, I lie in bed after I turn off my alarm, wishing I could go back to sleep. Not because I wish for the weekend to be longer or because I’m dreading another work week but because Mondays always feel like an official start of a new week that Michelle is still not found.
Never in my wildest dreams would I thought I’d be having this kind of experience. A moment in your life that makes you realize that all the other problems you used to think were such big deals are now just a bunch of bullshit things that actually don’t even really matter all.
I can’t imagine having to go on for years of not knowing. This isn’t fair. Nothing is the same anymore. How are we supposed to have any more ‘Waiting to Exhale’ nights if you aren’t here? What about our annual Christmas dinners involving steak and wine and Alpha Zeta? Who am I gonna be next to when we take buddy pictures?
I wish I told you sooner how much you actually mean to me. I wish I had reached out to you more, made a bigger effort to see you, forced you to come to Tahoe with us, forced myself to go out with you when you asked. I wish I could’ve been a better friend for you.
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Found this in my DRAFTS. I had written it probably sometime in early June but I never got around to actually publishing it. It has been almost 2 months and the feelings haven’t changed. I really freaking miss you Bud.
